Aim for Bad JuJu

The past few days I've been fighting a funk.  I'm not quite sure where it's coming from, but I'm going to sleep with it and waking up with it.  A sense of unease... foreboding?  It's not something I can pin point.  More like exhaustion with a clench in the pit of my stomach.  I don't think it's depression as I'm happy with where my life is at the moment, and have been for the past three months... everything is settling down into the path I had dreamed of...

I told my sweetheart two days ago that maybe part of my problem is I have nothing to plan in the future... I am a planner, always looking ahead... I planned for 3.5 years to get to 2011... and now it's 2012.  What's my plan?  I have no big vacations ahead.  No big events.  I told him that unless he wants me over analyzing us today, he needs to give me something to think about six months from now.  Give me something to look forward and reach for.  "Okay, what do you want to plan?"  Damn good question. 

What I want to plan for is retirement.  I want to start looking for places that I might want to live when I no longer need to live behind my ex husband.  I want to start going to beach towns and lake towns and see what types of homes are out there, what the cost of the homes are, and the pros and cons of the cities/communities they are in.

Do I want a house with a big wrap around porch that you can step out from with a dog onto a beach?  Or a condo, with less maintenance, and become a cat person for my senior years.  I love the idea of less maintenance but I think I might miss having a garden...

I want to discuss these options with the love of my life... Explore new areas with him.  See if there is any place that makes us both simultaneously exhale.... Granted we do that the moment we get next to each other, but if I'm not "home" or he's not "home" at whichever place we are co-sharing (he'll have his place too in a different town), I want it to feel like home for both of us.  I want both places we buy to be places we both love to go "home" to.

We have six years to explore together before my kids are both out of school... We need to do this exploration in small, fun, weekend getaways... Maybe go on 3-4 quick getaways a year... Just a day or two away from my kids... some adult time... I want to live in the 'now', making new memories together... while looking at potential places where a future could be.

Today's funk started to settle while sitting around with six friends having coffee in the city... It was nice to just shoot the bull, breathe fresh air, and laugh at things... past and present...


I got home and did my weekly garden check... It's rapidly filling in... The blueberries are starting to show... The next round of Iris are blooming... My magnolia is just about to bloom... My nectarines are going to have a banner year...  There's signs of beans and peas starting to sprout...  I watered and smiled and started to feel life and sanity slip back in...

I guess that's the answer... No condo... because I really would miss touching the earth... I need that almost as much as I need my man next to me.