Drama comes when people fight for or against change... especially when one person wants change and the other doesn't... or one is actively involved in change and the other is completely submersed in denial...Drama comes when others watch people fighting for/against change and try to give those people advice from lessons they have learned... Trying to save loved ones from making the mistakes they made in the past. People riding the change train don't always welcome or want advice...
Drama comes when control freaks like me don't know how to let someone they love stumble and fall on their own.
Drama comes when neither person know how and when to really... finally... let go... to let the change train stop at their junction and face the future.
"It's been too hard living but I'm afraid to die, 'cause I don't know what's up there beyond the sky. It's been a long, a long time coming, but I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will..." - Sam Cook
Over the years, I've had to face down a serious fight or flight reflex. Historically, before this man, I've flown the coop every time drama hits. The only child in me has little patience for drama. Like everyone else, I want my life to be clear skies all the time. I have finally matured enough in my life to know that life isn't always perfect, and what you want doesn't always come in the time that you block for it.
I've also learned that if you really love someone, you fight. You stare down the need to fly and say "Screw you devil on my shoulder. Flying will not get me to my dreams. Flying will hurt this relationship, and there is very little in my life more important than him." So I stay and plant my ass on a sofa and fight the war within.
(Let me interject now, because I know my boo will read this and think flight=break up or run to someone else... That's not what I'm talking about... There are some mornings where I wake up just 'icky' and I want to sneak out of the house and go home and fall apart... to 'go eat worms' in my garden... to hide under a blanket... to find my peace of mind again.)
I know if I run out that it will cause a rift bigger than what I'm fighting... I can't run from icky... but I don't know how to reach out and run back to him either... and he watches me fight this fight with a raised eyebrow and kid gloves and periodically asks if I'm ok... and I don't know how to answer without falling apart... and I hate falling apart... I HATE feeling icky... We both know I'll find peace sooner or later, and come back to him with all the love I have in my heart and try to explain what I was feeling and why... because I don't bury icky... I analyze it, face it, and work through it til I can tie a bow around it and send it to another country.
I know that he doesn't always understand why I feel the way I feel... or believe that I should feel the way I do... I fought my instincts to run this morning, so we made it through icky and back to happy. Which is a very good thing indeed... Because we love each other beyond reason...
I'm sitting here now, thinking about the almost perfect weekend we had, and I'm trying to come up with tools to help him, help me get through the "icky" processing quicker... I'm thinking maybe there's an answer... but I can't promise it's THE one... Don't let me spin. Get me to come sit down next to you... not near to, NEXT to... and hold me. Tell me you love me.... and keep holding me... til I spill the shizzle out. I can't be mad or icky in his arms. Because I do love him, 100% without a doubt, beyond reason... He is... my one.
"When you find the one you truly love, you understand why no one else ever worked out before..."
After dinner, we had the cheesecake I made him for his birthday cake. (We've been eating it every night since)... OMG to die for... not that I say so myself... but I AM a great baker... A slice of this with a small glass of my favorite bourbon... it was just a feast of flavors on the tongue... Both of us looked liked we were having mini O's... and he's still giving me grief on the pounds he's going to gain... I told him I'd work them off of him... I'm such a giver always... ;-p
Saturday we had a lazy morning then drove down to Callaway Gardens... It's been on both of our ATL 'to do' lists... Perfect day for this drive... blue skies and warm weather... The gardens are larger than I expected... but they also aren't as pristine as both of us expected. We were somewhat disappointed in the actual upkeep of parts of the gardens... Wandering the paths together hand in hand was wonderful though... and we had fun feeding the turtles in the lake. 
The best part of Callaway, was the Raptor show... 30 minutes of 'DUCK ITS COMING!"... one bird after another is brought out, and talked about while it's buzzing back and forth RIGHT above your head. Totally cool!
We left the gardens and went back to the small town we drove through right before we reached Callaway... We'd seen a small pit stop BBQ place filled with bikers in front, and we were determined to go find the perfect 'que'... We were not disappointed... 3 Lil Pigs... OMG! The amount of food they give... one plate would have been enough for us... we sat there slurping BBQ sauce off our fingers and chowing down happily outside in the warm summer evening. HEAVEN! A long drive back filled with talks of childhood recollections... and when we return, round two of cheesecake and a glass of bourbon... Are you getting the picture yet? Food. Sun. Walk. Food. Sleep. Food. Sun. Walk...
Yesterday we had another lazy day... we meant to get up early and drive up to Allatoona and go canoeing with a picnic... but never quite made it out early enough... so I filled him up with one of my omelets and we took off for Lil Five Points to wander the Inman Park neighborhood and find a place to have a cold beer outside... Another beautiful Atlanta day... the shops were cool to wander by... the old homes made me drool... and we found the perfect place to sit outside and people watch... I joke that we are plants... that sunlight makes us grow... when we sit in the sun we both just close our eyes and arch our necks and purr. We watch police pull people over... the eclectic denizens of the area walk by... all the while sipping good beer... wait I WAS sipping good beer... he was sipping PBR... which is perhaps the only flaw I can find in him... who drinks PBR? lol
On the way back we stop at this park, swing on swings and play on other kiddie structures... We fight to see who can stay on this one thing... and I laugh hysterically as he gets thrown off... He was a bit braver on it than I was, I'll give him that... "Come here baby let me get the tan bark off your back"...
Drama finally got her way when we were back at the house... I grabbed a drink, and walked out and talked with my 'girl' at the security desk... She has a way with words and I knew she'd make me laugh instead of me sitting somewhere wanting to punch something... He comes and collects me a half hour later... because he knows when I disappear I'm downstairs lmao... Thank god for the sisterhood of women...
Today I left after all the drama was spent... We're good, I'm happy, and I miss him already.
"I woke up one day to find you’d taken me by surprise; that you’d built a home in the base of my heart and your laugh was an echo filling all the corners of my head. I woke up one day to find that things made sense; that you were where goodness began and ended and that I was happier than I could ever fathom being. I woke up one day and knew your kiss as a cure; your smell was a luxury and your eyes were a gift. I woke up one day and saw that you had stolen me, and that I was hoping you’d never set me free."
As I walked into my own house and back into my garden... I again had to look at my life... It's so segmented... I have my work... my home... and my man... I'm three different people... yet I'm one. Each part of my life makes me happy... and each part of my life makes me want to pull my hair out at times...
"...and she will be loved"... Maroon 5
No comments:
Post a Comment